If someone asked me what I did today I think I would forget to mention that I got vocal chord surgery. I would, however, remember that I did my physical therapy for my shoulder, ate a low acid diet to kickstart some serious management of my acid reflux, and watched the movie "The Backup Plan," at which point I found myself thinking: okay artificial insemination to be a single mother could work. Yep, I was sitting in my living room thinking if JLo can be a smokin hot single mom and then still find the love of her life, there's a shot for me even if I do make it all the way to the ticking-clock-baby-phase of my life completely single. And, yes I will maintain my dignity and wit look just as good (or so I tell myself).
But wait. What the hell!!? When did I start thinking about getting married and having kids? And when did I start thinking about the possibility that I might not be able to do either? Well, I probably doubted it just about as soon as I started thinking about it. That's a real healthy psyche there. Lets analyze that for a bit shall we? -Eh no thanks, I think that one is pretty obvious: fear of failure.
But man when did I start growing up? logistically? Yes, I believe thats what it is. I have always been emotionally mature, mentally strong, physically okay (I have my share of sports and medical issues, probably that contributed to the annoyingly ostracizing mental and emotional maturity). But, when did I start growing up logistically? When did I start worrying about health insurance payments and credit cards and my ability to find, attract, and keep a man worth spending my life with? That is a whole lotta pressure without a whole lot of time to digest or comprehend any of it. No wonder I have acid reflux- just kidding, I have no idea why I have acid reflux.
I would say that Im surprised that I seem to keep forgetting that I went under general anethesia and put my vocal health in someones hands this morning, but with so many other things hegemonizing every neuron of my brain, it's not so inconceivable. I am at the crossroads of my life, of my adult life. People won't tell you that, not freely. But these years, days, decisions create the paths that will lead us to the rest of our lives. No these paths are not set in stone nor are they clearly "right" or "wrong," but somehow that complicates the decisions even more. What do I want to do? but, better yet, do I really even need to decide what I want to do? And believe me, you can spend four times as much time bouncing between those thoughts than actually tackling one alone. So I am here to tell you, that you are not alone. You are not crazy or "unprepared" or "behind" because you feel scared, overwhelmed, and confused with all the options in front of you. You are in fact in just the right place, because it is a place that you can choose to stay present in and work through. It is a place that can lead you to the life of your dreams, even if finding that path take a lot more time and mental effort than you thought. But, it is also a place that you can choose to leave. If things get too overwhelming and too many options paralyze you and prevent you from doing anything. You can always just choose a path, give it a go, and bide your time until you get the confidence to return to the unkown and find what you love.
Or thats a bunch of crap that I am telling myself tonight so that I can fall asleep. But, it sure does sound good. In the end, I feel ya. And Im here to share my experience in any way that I can. So that you can learn, disapprove, be inspired, or just get a good laugh from stories as I crawl, sprint, and get dragged into adulthood. Yippee ki yay mother F*&^as - here we go... (and yes I realize that is neither PG, nor disney, but it sure is a great last line to your surgeon as you head into surgery ;) )
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