holy matrimony

Saw my first wedding today. Didn't cry. Almost laughed a few times because some things seem so corny and been there done that. But I guess with weddings, everything has been said before. Nonetheless, the two people who were lucky enough to find eachother and blessed enough to get married today, are two of the kindest people I have ever met. And no matter the dress, or the guests or the ceremony, thats what weddings are truely about. So I must say I was touched, and incredibly overjoyed that wonderful people have found each other.
I remember listening to the vows, the things people say that they will do for the other person for the rest of their lives, and I wonder what those things should be. What are the things that truly matter after 10 years? What is it that is going to be the hardest? The pastor wisely said that it takes a community to make a marriage work. It takes the commitment of two people, but it takes the support of many. I think this is the most true statement of all the advice or toasts or blessings of the evening. Marriage can't possibly be easy. But, I wonder what would make marriage difficult for me. I can't help but wonder if a man would know what he's getting into if he married me. Would the vows have to be special for someone who is different? They say in sickness and in health, but what do most people know of sickness? Do they know how it can wear a person down until all that made them who they are is no longer there? And what about insanity? Does that fall under "sickness"? I can't help but think what trials a marriage will actually face. But I think they stand a much better chance with a community of support, where struggling or difficulties or quarrels are something to talk about rather than hide. Often times I feel as though we fake our way through relationships or fights or fake ourselves into compatibility, but marriage isn't a relationship. Marriage is a life, a choice, and a bond where there is no place for faking or lies. I just can't believe how not ready for marriage I am.

Becoming Jane... Becoming me

Two years ago I sat in a hotel room in Philadelphia reminiscing about the last 5 months I spent working as a ski instructor, traveling to New Zealand, camping and hiking remote places, and cultivating a friendship with a man thousands of miles away. With time to kill before school started, I rented "Becoming Jane." And somehow, despite a turbulent year filled with enough discouragement and setbacks to last me many more to come, I still found myself romantically cheering for the two main characters and simultaneously hoping that someday I could have a fantastic love story of my own. Not even the trials of the hardest year of my life could shake free my desire for love and a glimmering hope that I could find happiness. My desire for love, my love of love transcended it all. A desire so steadfast, so unshaken that the idea of unfulfilled love seemed the most horrible thing in the world. As I sat on the pull out bed of the hotel room watching young Jane Austen fall in love with a brilliant but poor man, I believed at every turn that they would end up together, somehow. It was just meant to be, love like that, they had to be together. I never doubted the ending; I never imagined they would become estranged lovers living separate lives, their love a distant memory but a contiguous emotion. My disbelief, coupled with alcohol provided by an old friend who I visited later that night, even led me to call up the most recent but incredibly distant object of my affection.
As we spoke, about trivial things at first I am sure, I said "you know what the saddest thing is?"
"What?" he said.
"When two people love each other and can't be together. That is just the saddest thing in the world."
I'm not sure what he said immediately after, but I will always remember his words in that conversation: "Well I think it's obvious how we feel about each other" Being me, and a little drunk, I replied, "Well I know how I feel about you, but I don't know how you feel about me."
Needless to say, I found out that night that a wonderful man on the other side of the world felt affectionately towards me. Over the next year these conversations, flirting, laughing, the occasional crying (on my part) occurred over the shoddy internet of my basement dorm room. By summer we stopped talking, I finally had some space to emotionally move on with my life, and I even forgot him for weeks or months on end over the next year.
Now, two years later, I sit in my bed after re-watching "Becoming Jane." Somehow, this time, the whole thing seemed different. I found myself wondering at times if young Jane Austen should marry the rich man for whom she has no affection. I find myself less impressed, though still wholly enraptured, by James McAvoy's character. After all, he was slightly careless, he did have a family to support, and he shouldn't just run away for love. Am I more cynical now? Am I wiser? Or is this just a part of the jadedness that society feeds you in the form of images of a perfect life, a life of financial security in an economic downturn that seems to be fraying relationships at the edges nowadays? Or am I just less naive?
I still think of the man in New Zealand. I talk to him fairly often this summer, in fact. But now the terms are no flirting or insinuation of feelings or attraction. Just a relationship built on the theoretical and moral discussions of two intelligent people. And I like it that way. It is stimulating, something to look forward to, but it is not something on which to hinge the balance of my hopes or happiness. And so things have changed. A year has gone by, emotions have leveled - much more than they have been in the past -, and I seem to have a different outlook on things. Not sure what that outlook is, not sure that I'm ever sure until I look back and find my perceptions illuminated only by the fact that they have shifted into another indiscernable form. But such is life. As long as I still cry for the love lost, or the pain of love unfulfilled due to the hope that love can indeed be fulfilled, I think I will be fine.

Stupid, crazy, life

If someone asked me what I did today I think I would forget to mention that I got vocal chord surgery. I would, however, remember that I did my physical therapy for my shoulder, ate a low acid diet to kickstart some serious management of my acid reflux, and watched the movie "The Backup Plan," at which point I found myself thinking: okay artificial insemination to be a single mother could work. Yep, I was sitting in my living room thinking if JLo can be a smokin hot single mom and then still find the love of her life, there's a shot for me even if I do make it all the way to the ticking-clock-baby-phase of my life completely single. And, yes I will maintain my dignity and wit look just as good (or so I tell myself).
But wait. What the hell!!? When did I start thinking about getting married and having kids? And when did I start thinking about the possibility that I might not be able to do either? Well, I probably doubted it just about as soon as I started thinking about it. That's a real healthy psyche there. Lets analyze that for a bit shall we? -Eh no thanks, I think that one is pretty obvious: fear of failure.
But man when did I start growing up? logistically? Yes, I believe thats what it is. I have always been emotionally mature, mentally strong, physically okay (I have my share of sports and medical issues, probably that contributed to the annoyingly ostracizing mental and emotional maturity). But, when did I start growing up logistically? When did I start worrying about health insurance payments and credit cards and my ability to find, attract, and keep a man worth spending my life with? That is a whole lotta pressure without a whole lot of time to digest or comprehend any of it. No wonder I have acid reflux- just kidding, I have no idea why I have acid reflux.
I would say that Im surprised that I seem to keep forgetting that I went under general anethesia and put my vocal health in someones hands this morning, but with so many other things hegemonizing every neuron of my brain, it's not so inconceivable. I am at the crossroads of my life, of my adult life. People won't tell you that, not freely. But these years, days, decisions create the paths that will lead us to the rest of our lives. No these paths are not set in stone nor are they clearly "right" or "wrong," but somehow that complicates the decisions even more. What do I want to do? but, better yet, do I really even need to decide what I want to do? And believe me, you can spend four times as much time bouncing between those thoughts than actually tackling one alone. So I am here to tell you, that you are not alone. You are not crazy or "unprepared" or "behind" because you feel scared, overwhelmed, and confused with all the options in front of you. You are in fact in just the right place, because it is a place that you can choose to stay present in and work through. It is a place that can lead you to the life of your dreams, even if finding that path take a lot more time and mental effort than you thought. But, it is also a place that you can choose to leave. If things get too overwhelming and too many options paralyze you and prevent you from doing anything. You can always just choose a path, give it a go, and bide your time until you get the confidence to return to the unkown and find what you love.
Or thats a bunch of crap that I am telling myself tonight so that I can fall asleep. But, it sure does sound good. In the end, I feel ya. And Im here to share my experience in any way that I can. So that you can learn, disapprove, be inspired, or just get a good laugh from stories as I crawl, sprint, and get dragged into adulthood. Yippee ki yay mother F*&^as - here we go... (and yes I realize that is neither PG, nor disney, but it sure is a great last line to your surgeon as you head into surgery ;) )

The Human Body

The body pumps blood through 70,000 miles once each minute.
The ears can discriminate some 1,600 different frequencies
The hand contains 25 joints allowing 58 distinctly different motion.
The acid in a human stomach could break down a nail, but our body manages to contain and regulate the acid so that it does not digest our bodies.

The human body is an incredible thing. Our bodies coordinates motions, processes, emotions, thoughts. It takes the external world and translates the different mechanical, chemical, and light stimuli into a language that our minds can both perceive and react to. It responds to our external world while simultaneously regulating the hundreds of thousands of processes of our internal world. Thus, we can breathe, see, touch, laugh, move, eat, cry, and think.
Even if we sit in bed all day, our body is working. And on the days that we get up, push ourselves physically and mentally, our body allows and encourages such activities. But sometimes we don't give them that much credit. Sometimes we hate our body for its torn ACL, or sore back, or genetic disorders that make everyday tasks seem hard. And it sucks. It sucks walking on crutches while watching other people run, and it sucks when your own immune system can't seem to get the job done. We feel useless, we can't do the things we want to do. We have to spend our time helping our bodies recovery or helping our bodies maintain normal functioning. But so what? Everything, everyone needs help sometimes. Nothing runs flawlessly forever. And sometimes, things never did run flawlessly. But we seem to forget this. We curse our bum knee, we frown at a shakey hand, and we forget the millions of things that our bodies got right. We focus on the flaws, or blame or bodies.
But on the days when your hand shakes too much to hold a pen, or your leg hurts too much to walk, or your mind plays tricks on your motivation. Take a few breaths, wiggle a finger, look outside, thank your body for being able to do most things.
And when your body needs help, when it can't just do things like other peoples bodies can; don't get mad at it, don't make it feel like it is less of a body than someone else's. Because, in truth you don't really know how it feels to have other peoples bodies. And, unless you are lucky enough to have a transplant on the way, you will probably never get another body. Be proud of the things that your body can do. Be impressed that it manages to regulate and coordinate as many things as it does. And, don't be upset that maybe it didn't coordinate one thing correctly, or no longer can do so on its own. Give your body a hand, cut it some slack, and help it out. We all need help every once in a while and so does your body.

HEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY

I recently explored the more administrative side of this blogging shindig (yes I said shindig, revel in that moment or judge me, up to you), and I came across something called "STATS." Now according to stats, over 300 people have visited this site. Whether they did so accidentally, or at gun point, I don't know. Why, exactly, I don't know, but somehow, people actually read this.
So, I have decided to return from a year of retirement to provide you with comical, intellectual, or completely useless information. From here on out, I will try to post at least once a week: probably every Sunday.
In the meantime, I encourage you to peruse the sporadic posts that I have made on this site over the last 3 years. Because, although they may be embarrassing, or outdated, or sometimes juvenile, these were still real thoughts, and real emotions that don't become less meaningful just because they were written by a younger self. After all, the people best suited to write about being a high schooler or being amidst a middle age crises are the people who currently are. If we waited to write about things until we have full perspective, we would be waiting all our lives and never write a thing.

Time

We are having a big philosophical discussion about calendars and time in my history class. I think the jist of it is that time in numerical terms is a creation of man that depends on when you start it. We could have divided the day into 6 parts or 10 parts if we wanted.

There are all these sayings about time and how it passes and how we divide it. Should we live by all these divisions of time and plan time for fun, for school, for sex, for work, for relaxing? Or should be just try to do a chunk of things each day, or a certain amount of things per month? In today's world, it seems as if failure is eminent if a person doesn't plan for time in some way. We need to meet deadlines, or fit into the lives of others who govern their time based on hours and days. Can we even live based purely on the rotation of the sun: day and night, sunrise and sunset? Or does that idea no longer exist?

Easterners

I met with my coach today. It was really good because I talked to her about being frustrated and wanting to improve, and she was very receptive.

One interesting thing that she brought up, which consequently my professor noticed too, is my sort of laid back personality. She said that she knows that i'm fairly relaxed but that it can come off as if I don't care. I thought this was very interesting, because where I come from, and back home, I was never known that way. I was always pretty fiesty and very outspoken. In the last year, however, I think I've had a lot of experiences that have been very humbling and so now I have a tendency to sit back and do my own thing without making a big show about it. It doesn't mean that I don't work hard, or don't care, I'm just not in other peoples faces about it like most of the people at penn.

This brings me to my main point which is the difference between the east and west parts of the country. I come from a culture that values doing what is necessary, handling stress, and enjoying life as it comes. The emphasis is on bettering yourself as a person, player, or student. Out here, its all about beating the peIrson next to you. In a very strange way, who you are doesn't matter, where as how you look on paper or how you appear to other people is everything. I think I can truely speak for Colorado and Californians when I say that we just don't understand that mentality. I understand how it evolved in the wake of capitalism and competition, but I'm always baffled that people perpetuate this "east coast mentality."

Furthermore, the east coast seems less accepting of thing outside the norm. So here I am, laid back and anything but catagorically normal. I have a fantastic, passionate, fiery side that is one of the best things about me, but when all these people compete with eachother for the spotlight, I feel like its easier to keep my mouth shut and just do what I do. Is this wrong? Should I fight more for a space in this society? I dunno. I don't want to be remembered as quite or just "chill," but it seems silly to play the competitive games that most people play here.

Any thoughts?

I'll catch the next one

Sunday night and I'm sitting in my bed filling out a questionaire about my biggest accomplishments, risks, relationships, and lessons of 2009. Kinda heavy, but in some ways its amazing how little we think about these things. Life shoots by like a subway train that we are constantly trying to stop or get on, but sometimes I think we need to just sit and wait for the next one. Sure maybe we will arrive a few minutes later, but what is late anyway? Its our life, our timeline, and Im glad for the moments that I get to appreciate it.